


to love

by madnessiseverything



Series: a wilder narnia [2]
Category: Chronicles of Narnia (Movies), Chronicles of Narnia - All Media Types, Chronicles of Narnia - C. S. Lewis
Genre: Gen, a king's duty, i guess it counts as meta as well?, i have thoughts and feelings about peter and here are some of them, musings on love and faith
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-16
Updated: 2020-11-22
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:29:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 886
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27042019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/madnessiseverything/pseuds/madnessiseverything
Summary: In the end, Peter has always loved Narnia more than he could ever love Aslan.
Series: a wilder narnia [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1952599
Comments: 10
Kudos: 106





	1. love

**Author's Note:**

> happy narnia day everyone! :D this is something that's been rolling around in my head for a while now, hope you enjoy! i'm adding it as a part of the wilder narnia series because of the imagery, but as a heads up, this might change as i develop the pieces of that universe.

In the end, Peter has always loved Narnia more than he could ever love Aslan. It is a simple, undeniable truth of the High King’s soul, woven into the fabric of his very being with untearable thread. **  
**

This is not to say that he does not feel love for the Great Lion. He loves him dearly, remembers fondly the feeling of warmth and bravery the mere mention of Aslan had brought to him that very first day. He loves him for the gifts he has been given, and therein lies the truth. Peter’s love for Aslan inevitably returns to what Aslan has given to Peter. The High King is not ashamed of this. Every musing on the Lion returns to the gifts of a family, a kingdom, and nothing more. 

His love for Aslan can never be as steadfast and endless as Lucy’s faith, as bright as blossoms in spring. It can never measure up to the gratitude and relief forever kindling in Edmund’s heart for a sacrifice made. Peter doesn’t fault them for their love for Aslan, for their unwavering faith and trust. He has always held admiration for the way their hearts don’t seem to struggle with the task of loving both Narnia and Aslan. Even Susan’s quieter, more reserved love outshines his so easily, not unlike the sun under which she was crowned. Peter’s love for Aslan pales in comparison to what he sees whenever his siblings speak of the Lion, is quickly cast into shadow in the light of their devotion.

His heart has always refused to split his love as much as his siblings manage. It can only ever find two paths, intertwined and crossed over as they are. Peter loves his family, and he loves Narnia. He loves them fiercely, loves them with every beat of his heart, loves them to the point of pain. He loves them with blood and tears spilt upon eager soil, falls upon enemies, declares victory in the name of Narnia and her sovereigns. He loves them with his sword in his hand, his crown on his head and fire in his heart.

Peter loves Narnia more than the Lion, and he finds peace within this fact. He doesn’t linger upon doubts, doesn’t compare it to his siblings for too long. He has a family and country to look after, people and borders to defend, a sword in need of wielding and an army waiting on his command. There is no use in fearing that which he cannot help.

Aslan must have known that Peter’s love could never extend beyond those in his care. He supposes Aslan has always seen the depths and limits of Peter’s heart and perhaps chose him for this very reason. After all, is it not what Aslan asked of him, standing upon a hill all those years ago? How can the Great Lion condemn someone so utterly devoted to what was entrusted to him? Aslan has given him a throne, a kingdom to love, people to care for. Who can fault Peter for taking those gifts, for holding onto them with bloodied hands and ragged breaths, for loving them with everything he can ever hope to give?

Narnia is loved deeply by her High King, loved with every breath she takes through his lungs, loved with every foe that falls to his might in defence of her. She holds on tight; blood-soaked, alive and humming with joy. Her High King offers a love greater than his soul to her and her people. She takes it eagerly and loves him viciously in return.


	2. fear

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> because it wouldn't leave my brain

When they tumble out of the wardrobe back into England, Peter's heart stutters in its rhythm. His knees are bruised from the fall. There is a splinter in his palm. And Peter, for the first time, is afraid that his love was not right after all. He gazes up at the wardrobe with his heart beating in all the wrong ways, with his hands too soft and his body too thin. He has so many questions, so many fears fighting their way up to his throat until he struggles to draw breath.

He prays, clasps his hands until they ache with the force of his grip. He begs for forgiveness with a voice that is cracking and eyes that are full of traitorous tears. Because he is afraid, so very afraid, that his family must suffer punishment because he never managed to give his love the same way they did. He fears that he condemned them to an exile only meant for him and his cursed heart. He cannot imagine that they were meant to fall through with him, can so easily imagine that he is to blame for his family's broken hearts, for the way Susan has shrunken in on herself, for the way Edmund's eyes have hollowed out, for the way Lucy cries every morning. _It is not their fault_ , he cries. They are not to blame for his failure, surely they are not meant to be trapped here with him.

Peter pleads with a silent wardrobe in a dark, empty room until his voice leaves him. And even then, with his eyes swollen and throat aching, he presses his forehead against the unforgiving floorboards and whispers his fears until he falls asleep.

No answer comes.

**Author's Note:**

> i have a [narnia tumblr](https://bloodybigwardrobe.tumblr.com/) and am also active on [twitter](https://twitter.com/notanycritter). if you're looking for more snippets of my writing that haven't made it onto ao3, tumblr is the place to be!


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